I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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