Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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