fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
as a side note pls kill me
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
