I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
