I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
