My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize