If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
