I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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