I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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