At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize