wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
