My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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