I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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