He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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