you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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