I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
