the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
