ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
