Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
