considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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