As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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