Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
