dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
