He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
