If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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