After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
