I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I checked into jail on foursquare
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
