I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
