Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
