So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize