I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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