God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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