dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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