I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
