I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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