Even the bartender felt bad for me
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
