I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
