Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize