the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Found the puke drawer
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
