You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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