Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
