So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize