Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
