guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
