I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
