I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
