he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
