I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
