You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
