don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
