your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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