About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My penis needs a shock collar
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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