The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Man, jail baloney is awful.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
