The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize