You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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