Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
