And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
