u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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