Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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