the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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