My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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