I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
