is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
