I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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