don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
