If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
