is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
