Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
